Subject: FW: How the Gingrinch Stole Christmas
Date: December 1, 1994 13:13

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12:44 Whistler, BC-Canada :: 1 DEC 94

This piece of humour came to me through the regular email channels.

[Forwards voted out of office]

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How the Gingrinch Stole Congress!
by Kris Rabberman & Scott Prevost

Every Who

Down in Whoville

Liked Elections a lot . . .

But Newt Gingrinch,

Who lived on Mount Gridlock,

Did NOT!

The Gingrinch loathed voting, the whole campaign season!

Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.

It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.

But I think that the most likely reason of all,

May have been that his brain was two sizes too small.

But whatever the reason,

His brain or his shoes,

He stood there Election Eve , hating the Whos,

Staring down from Mount Gridlock with a Gingrinchy frown,

At the candidates stumping below in their town.

For he knew every Who who was thinking that night,

Would cast their votes wisely-against the far right.

"And they're worried about issues!" he snarled with a sneer,

"Tomorrow's the election! It's practically here!"

And the gears in his head began frantically spinning,

"I MUST find a way to keep liberals from winning!"

For tomorrow, he knew all the Whos in the know,

Would vote for the DemoWhos all in a row,

For Wofford and Foley, Feinstein and Cuomo.

Then the DemoWho Congress would do what he'd hate,

Come up with new programs, and then legislate!

Healthcare and gun bans they'd gladly create,

But such progress the Gingrinch would only berate.

And THEN they'd do something

He liked least of all!

Every DemoWho in Congress, the tall and the small,

Would stand close together, and say with one voice,

"We're for women's rights and we're also pro-choice!"

They'd work! And they'd work!

AND they'd WORK! WORK! WORK! WORK!

And the more that the Gingrinch thought, with a smirk,

The more that he thought, "I must STOP their hard work!

Why since Who-sevelt's years I've put up with it now!

I MUST stop the liberals from winning! .. . But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!

An AWFUL idea!

The Newt got a HORRIBLE, AWFUL idea!

"I know just what to do!" Gingrinch laughed in his throat.

"I'll make empty vows in return for their vote."

And he chuckled, and clucked, "I've got a great con.

With these lies we'll pay homage to President Ron!"

"All I need is a gimmick . . ."

The Newt looked around.

But since ideas are scarce, there were none to be found.

Did that stop the old Gingrinch

From finding a scheme . . . ?

Of course not, he had the Whopublican team.

So he called Mr. Dole, and he eagerly said,

"I need to make use of your sly, sneaky head."

Then they made up a plan,

That was terribly Dole-y,

To unseat the speaker,

Congressman Foley.

And they wrote up a contract.

They did it that day,

And they chortled and laughed,

"All the liberals must pay."

As the Gingrinch and Dole formulated their schemes,

Based on trickle down theories and far right extremes,

The DemoWhos, calmly, were dreaming their dreams.

First Gingrinch and Dole, with a gleam in their eyes,

About Clinton's record, told many lies.

Then they told of the programs they'd gleefully pinch,

Who better to do this than Mr. Gingrinch?

They got stuck only once, on the issue of ketchup,

So they got on the phone and they called Orrin Hatch up.

Then both of them sunk to a terrible low.

"Entitlements," they grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Then they slithered and slunk, with smiles most unpleasant,

Obnoxiously trashing the left, past and present!

"With Huffington, Romney, North and Santorum,

We're sure that the left cannot help but deplore 'em!

With ads so misleading they're practically criminal,

We'll use our PAC money for commercials subliminal!"

"We'll bombard them with TV, and a racist disc-jockey!

Who supports Chuck Haytaian and dark-horse Pataki.

We'll support Ollie North, and Dewine over Hyatt,

And with all of his cash, we'll have Huffington buy it!"

"When we win, we'll control each and every committee,

"To be sure funds are sent to nary a city!

"And Alfonse D'amato," (the dork from New York),

"can continue to rant about Bill Clinton's pork!"

"Against Feinstein and Boxer's ardent protesting,

"Senator Packwood can keep on molesting!"

By the twisted up logic of Jesse and Strom,

"With gays in the army, we lost Vietnam!"

"A lineup like this is Clinton's worst fear,"

said Gingrinch to Dole, with a dastardly sneer.

"Taxes, the wealthy should not have to pay,"

the maniacal duo was eager to say.

"And when Congress is ours, we'll have prayer in the schools,"

Muttered Dole to the Newt, "Disregard liberal fools!"

The plan was enacted,

The ballots were cast,

The sham made the voters return to the past.

The Gingrinch was gleeful, and Dole started gloating,

before all the Whos had completed their voting.

"We now have a mandate!" they said with a laugh,

Even though, of the votes, they received only half.

With snickering Newt in the role of the Speaker,

The prospects for changes have never been bleaker.

"The plans that we've outlined, we won't be revising,"

said Gingrinch, "We simply ABHOR compromising!"

---

The day of this scary Whopublican showing,

We started to notice Newt's head slowly growing,

Though now we can say, as you may have inferred,

His brain starting SHRINKING that day, so we've heard.

Though the Whos may be worried and shaking in fear,

From the dastardly changes that soon may be here,

The way Whos can solve this is really a cinch,

In '96 vote against cynic Gingrinch!

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DISCLAIMER: The opinions expressed here are not necessarily the opinions of Dr. Seuss, or those with an interest in his estate, or anyone related to him, or anyone he met only once on a crowded train traveling from New York to Chicago, or his former next-door-neighbor's dog Max. Some stanzas of the preceding work were directly stolen from Dr. Seuss' classic work, "How the Grinch Stole Christmas," without the permission, expressed or implied, of Theodor or Audrey Geisel, or Random House, Inc. This work was created solely for the amusement of the authors and should not be copied, distributed or otherwise duplicated by any means (electronic or telepathic included) without the expressed written consent of whoever owns the copyright to the book the authors plagiarized to create this masterpiece. Any evidence to the contrary should be construed as purely accidental and not the intent of the authors (who, by the way, receive no monetary benefit for having written the poem, but had to pay an overpriced lawyer for this disclaimer) . The authors accept no responsibility for any nightmares or other psychological problems caused by reading this work to liberals already suffering from Post Election Stress Disorder.

Patrick. -- Responses Sought --

In the absence of institutions and education by which the environment is so successfully reported that the realities of public life stand out very sharply against self-centred opinion, the common interests very largely elude public opinion entirely, and can be managed only by a specialized class whose personal interests reach beyond the locality . . .

Walter Lippmann Quoted (unfavourably) in Noam Chomsky, Deterring Democracy

We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

US Constitution: Preamble

0) { $error_message.=$COM_LANG['not_allowed'] . "
"; } if ($_REQUEST['disc_name'] == '') { $error_message.=$_REQUEST['r_disc_name'] . "
"; } if ($_REQUEST['disc_body'] == '') { $error_message.=$_REQUEST['r_disc_body'] . "
"; } if ($_REQUEST['disc_email'] != '') { if (!smcom_is_email($_REQUEST['disc_email'])) { $error_message.="Invalid email address" . "
"; } } return $error_message; } function smcom_flood_protection($INPUT) { global $comments_db_link, $COM_CONF, $COM_LANG; $result = mysql_query("select time from {$COM_CONF['dbmaintable']} where ip='{$_SERVER['REMOTE_ADDR']}' AND (UNIX_TIMESTAMP( NOW( ) ) - UNIX_TIMESTAMP( time )) < {$COM_CONF['anti_flood_pause']}", $comments_db_link); if (mysql_num_rows($result)>0) { $error_message="Flood detected"; return $error_message; } $result = mysql_query("select ID from {$COM_CONF['dbmaintable']} where text='{$INPUT['disc_body']}' AND author='{$INPUT['disc_name']}' AND href='{$INPUT['href']}'", $comments_db_link); if (mysql_num_rows($result)>0) { $error_message="Flood detected"; return $error_message; } return ""; } function smcom_spam_check($email, $name, $url, $text, $path_to_page, $ip) { global $COM_CONF, $comments_db_link; $try = 0; while (!$valid && $try <= 3) { // Initialize and verify API key $akismet = new Akismet($COM_CONF['site_url'], $COM_CONF['akismet_apikey']); $result = $akismet->isKeyValid(); // Possible values: 'valid', 'invalid', 'no connect' if ($result != 'valid') { if (($result == 'invalid')) { // Invalid key return 2; } else { // Could not connect to the Akismet server $try++; } } else { $valid = 1; } } if (!$valid) { return 3; // Could not connect to the Akismet server } // Pass comment info to the class $akismet->setCommentAuthorEmail($email); $akismet->setCommentAuthor($name); $akismet->setCommentAuthorURL($url); $akismet->setCommentContent($text); $akismet->setUserIP($ip); $akismet->setPermalink($COM_CONF['site_url'] . $path_to_page); $akismet->setCommentType('Comment'); $try = 0; while ($try <= 3) { // Check the comment for spam $result = $akismet->isCommentSpam(); // Possible values: 'false' (not spam), 'true' (spam), 'no connect' if ($result != 'false') { if ($result == 'true') { // The comment is spam return 1; } else { // Could not connect to the Akismet server $try++; } } else { return 0; } } return 3; // Could not connect to the Akismet server } function smcom_add() { global $comments_db_link, $COM_CONF, $COM_LANG; foreach ($_REQUEST as $key => $value) { if ($key == 'disc_body') { $comment_text=stripslashes($value); } $_REQUEST[$key] = str_replace('<', '<', $_REQUEST[$key]); $_REQUEST[$key] = str_replace('>', '>', $_REQUEST[$key]); if (get_magic_quotes_gpc()) { $_REQUEST[$key] = stripslashes($_REQUEST[$key]); } $_REQUEST[$key] = mysql_escape_string($_REQUEST[$key]); } $_REQUEST['href'] = str_replace('%2F', '/', $_REQUEST['href']); $_REQUEST['href'] = str_replace('%3F', '?', $_REQUEST['href']); $_REQUEST['href'] = str_replace('%26', '&', $_REQUEST['href']); $_REQUEST['href'] = str_replace('%3D', '=', $_REQUEST['href']); if ($_REQUEST['dont_show_email'] != '') { $dont_show="1"; } else { $dont_show="0"; } $error_message = smcom_check_for_errors(); $error_message .= smcom_flood_protection($_REQUEST); if ($COM_CONF['ckeck_for_spam']) { if (!$error_message) { $spam_check_result = smcom_spam_check($_REQUEST['disc_email'], $_REQUEST['disc_name'], "", $comment_text, $_REQUEST['href'], ""); if ($spam_check_result == 1) { $error_message .= "
Your comment suspected as spam."; mysql_query("INSERT INTO {$COM_CONF['dbjunktable']} VALUES (NULL, NOW(), '{$_REQUEST['href']}', '{$_REQUEST['disc_body']}', '{$_REQUEST['disc_name']}', '{$_REQUEST['disc_email']}', '$dont_show', '{$_SERVER['REMOTE_ADDR']}')", $comments_db_link); } if ($spam_check_result == 2) { $error_message .= "
Invalid WordPress API key"; } if ($spam_check_result == 3) { $error_message .= "
Could not connect to the Akismet server"; } } } if ($error_message) { print "The following errors occured:
$error_message

Please get back and try again."; return 0; } mysql_query("INSERT INTO {$COM_CONF['dbmaintable']} VALUES (NULL, NOW(), '{$_REQUEST['href']}', '{$_REQUEST['disc_body']}', '{$_REQUEST['disc_name']}', '{$_REQUEST['disc_email']}', '$dont_show', '{$_SERVER['REMOTE_ADDR']}')", $comments_db_link); if ($_REQUEST['email_me'] != '' && $_REQUEST['disc_email'] != '') { $result = mysql_query("select COUNT(*) from {$COM_CONF['dbemailstable']} where href='{$_REQUEST['href']}' AND email='{$_REQUEST['disc_email']}'", $comments_db_link); list ($count) = mysql_fetch_row($result); if ($count == 0) { $hash=md5($email . $COM_CONF['copy_random_seed']); mysql_query("INSERT INTO {$COM_CONF['dbemailstable']} VALUES (NULL, '{$_REQUEST['disc_email']}', '{$_REQUEST['href']}', '$hash')", $comments_db_link); } } if ($COM_CONF['email_admin']) { smcom_notify_admin($_REQUEST['href'], $_REQUEST['disc_name'], $_REQUEST['disc_email'], $comment_text, "{$_SERVER['REMOTE_ADDR']}, {$_SERVER['HTTP_USER_AGENT']}"); } smcom_notify_users($_REQUEST['href'], $_REQUEST['disc_name'], $_REQUEST['disc_email']); header("HTTP/1.1 302"); header("Location: {$COM_CONF['site_url']}{$_REQUEST['href']}"); print "Click here to get back."; } function smcom_notify_admin($href, $name, $email, $text, $ip) { global $comments_db_link, $COM_CONF, $COM_LANG; $headers = "From: Comments <{$COM_CONF['email_from']}>\r\n"; $text_of_message=" {$COM_LANG['email_new_comment']} {$COM_CONF['site_url']}$href {$COM_LANG['email_from']}: $name <$email> $text $ip "; mail($COM_CONF['email_admin'], "{$COM_LANG['email_new_comment']} $href", $text_of_message, $headers); } function smcom_notify_users($href, $name, $email_from) { global $comments_db_link, $COM_CONF, $COM_LANG; $headers = "From: Comments <{$COM_CONF['email_from']}>\n"; $result=mysql_query("select email, hash from {$COM_CONF['dbemailstable']} where href='$href'", $comments_db_link); while (list($email, $hash) = mysql_fetch_row($result)) { if ($email != $email_from) { $text_of_message=" {$COM_LANG['email_new_comment']} {$COM_CONF['site_url']}$href {$COM_LANG['email_from']}: $name {$COM_LANG['email_to_unsubscribe']} {$COM_CONF['site_url']}{$COM_CONF['script_url']}?action=unsub&page=$href&id=$hash "; mail($email, "{$COM_LANG['email_new_comment']} $href",$text_of_message, $headers); } } } function smcom_unsub() { global $comments_db_link, $COM_CONF, $COM_LANG; $id=mysql_escape_string($_REQUEST['id']); $href=mysql_escape_string($_REQUEST['page']); mysql_query("delete from {$COM_CONF['dbemailstable']} where href='$href' AND hash='$id'", $comments_db_link); if (mysql_affected_rows() > 0) { print "{$COM_LANG['unsubscribed']}"; } else { print "{$COM_LANG['not_unsubscribed']}"; } } function smcom_view() { global $comments_db_link, $COM_CONF, $COM_LANG; $request_uri = mysql_escape_string($_SERVER['REQUEST_URI']); $result = mysql_query("select time, text, author, email, dont_show_email from {$COM_CONF['dbmaintable']} where href='$request_uri' order by time {$COM_CONF['sort_order']}", $comments_db_link); $comments_count=0; $time=$text=$author=$email=$dont_show_email=array(); while (list($time[$comments_count], $text[$comments_count], $author[$comments_count], $email[$comments_count], $dont_show_email[$comments_count])=mysql_fetch_array($result)) { $text[$comments_count] = wordwrap($text[$comments_count], 75, "\n", 1); $time[$comments_count] = smcom_format_date($time[$comments_count]); $comments_count++; } require("{$COM_CONF['full_path']}/templates/{$COM_CONF['template']}.php"); } function smcom_format_date($date) { global $COM_LANG; $year = substr($date, 0, 4); $month = intval(substr($date, 5, 2)) - 1; $day = substr($date, 8, 2); $hour = substr($date, 11, 2); $min = substr($date, 14, 2); return "$day {$COM_LANG['months'][$month]} $year, $hour:$min"; } function smcom_is_email($Addr) { $p = '/^[a-z0-9!#$%&*+-=?^_`{|}~]+(\.[a-z0-9!#$%&*+-=?^_`{|}~]+)*'; $p.= '@([-a-z0-9]+\.)+([a-z]{2,3}'; $p.= '|info|arpa|aero|coop|name|museum)$/ix'; return preg_match($p, $Addr); } ?>